I want this shit forever, mayne.

Man, my job is some bullshit. Yeah I said it man. I see why people don’t give a good god damn about the school board and always complaining about certain shit. Because they’re bogus as hell. Check this, I got a letter today SEPETEMBER 30th, right? Shit is mentioning the budget and the cut backs. Nigga we gettin laid off for some bullshit, we gettin hours cut for some bullshit, they not gonna compensate us for the increase for the cost of living. WHAT THE FUCK. But the thing that pisses me off, that mother fucking letter is dated JULY 30th. –Scratches head. Aint they a little late with telling us this shit?

FUCK MY JOB, FUCK SONNY PERDUE. FUCK EM FUCK EM FUCK EM!

Dog, I go to work everyday for what? NOT SHIT. It’s not even worth me going in to work at 5:30 and leaving at 4:30. I might as well quit foreal. I can find me a better job that pays MORE.

I go to work everyday. I go to work so I can keep this lifestyle I live, but as each week goes by I see that shit slipping away. Now aint that some bullshit.

Shit like this make me understand why niggas hustle. Aint nobody gonna take YOUR money, aint nobody gonna tell you, you gettin laid off, taking taxes out your shit, none of that monkey ass shit. And that’s real shit.

One thing I learned, is you gotta do what you gotta do to take care of yours NO MATTER WHAT. Yeah I be tired, but fuck being tired. Yeah I don’t feel good over 80% of the time, but fuck feeling good. I got to take care of mines first, which is Tay. After she’s taken care of then I’ll worry about myself. Shit nigga, I was made this strong for a reason. Work through the pain, work through the tears.

One day all this shit gonna pay off. Maybe not, but fuck it. I got so much hatred in my heart right now man. That shit aint even right.

But I’m out though.

Killaaaa™

fresh like the kiss of morning dew.

“And I wonder if you’ll ever find out how it was supposed to be.”

-Ryan Leslie

Ay! That’s my current default ringtone. I fucking love Ryan Leslie. If there were one person in the industry that I could choose to meet, I’d KILL to meet him. I hold him up high, he’s hella talented. I’d sing for you, Ryan.

-Blusheshard- I love this photograph. These are some talented men.

Killaaaa™

Tonight is one of the loneliness nights ever.

I don’t have anything to blog about. I spent the majority of my day laying around, listening to music, and sleeping. There is yet another flash flood warning until tomorrow, and it’s been pissing rain all day. God must be pissed. LOL, when it’s really hot outside I always say that Ra is vexed. Did you get it? Probably not. Anyway, I’ve been listening to alot of Incubus lately. Check the play list for two songs by them: “Dig” and “Love Hurts” Give it a listen, you won’t be disappointed.

“Love hurts, but without love I won’t survive.”

-Incubus

Speaking of music, the Breaking Benjamin new album drops September 29th. I’m super stoked man. I’ve been listening to TONS of rock and alternative music lately. I suppose it coincides with my current moods. However, today was a better day for me. Of course I had an anger relapse, but sometimes it be like that.

Irma and I were talking about weddings today and what we want our weddings to be like. She wants to have a small wedding on the beach. She wants to wear a simple white dress with the groom in white as well. I used to be all for the white dress just to go against it’s symbolism; being a virgin. I’m not a virgin, but even worse my innocence was revoked after I gave birth to Taylor <3. I mean, I was gonna do the whole white dress with white veil and all. HAHA. But as time has progressed I’ve changed my mind. I told Irma I want to wear a black dress. A long black flowing dress with a black veil. I think that would be so beautiful. Ironically it does sound like something someone wears to a funeral, but I don’t really give a shit. I look stunning in black. Plus, white makes you look fat anyway.

Secretly I’m kind of dark. I love dark colors. Maybe that’s why I love the fall and winter months so much. Dark and cold. I love black, grey, brown, dark reds, greens and purples. I also like warm colors, like dark yellows, reds, and oranges. I should google what this means about myself. –Please hold.

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What Color Is Your Personality?

YOUR RESULT: Naturally Green

People whose personalities display shades of green nurture life whole-heartedly. You are the one who takes in stray cats, tends to houseplants, and adores children. You are the peacemaker who can become the martyr if you do not look after your own needs as well.

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Below are some meaning of colors:

WHITE: White is the color that represents purity, neutrality, sterility and youth. White is often associated with cleanliness or sterility. Doctors wear white to convey these attributes. White is also associated with neutrality and peace

BLACK: Black is a multi-dimensional color that can mean classic or new. It has an ominous characteristic symbolizing death. Therefore it is used in Western cultures for funerals. It has an air of intelligence, marked with rebellion. It typically symbolized absence, modernity, power, sophistication, formality, elegance, wealth, mystery, style, evil, death, fear, emptiness, darkness, seriousness, conventionality, rebellion, anarchism, unity, sorrow, professionalism, and slimming quality.

GRAY: Gray, somewhere between white (good) and black (evil), is a blasé color. It can symbolize elegance, humility, respect, reverence, stability, subtlety, wisdom, old age, pessimism, boredom, decay, decrepitude, dullness, pollution, urban sprawl, strong emotions, balance, neutrality, mourning, formality, and March.

RED: Red is the color of celebration and good luck (China), purity and integrity (India). Red typically symbolizes passion, strength, energy, fire, sex, love, romance, excitement, speed, heat, arrogance, ambition, leadership, masculinity, power, danger, gaudiness, blood, war, anger, revolution, radicalism, Communism, aggression, respect, martyrs, the Holy Spirit.

ORANGE: Orange is energy, enthusiasm, 'get-it-done' attitude, and balance. It typically symbolizes Hinduism, Buddhism, happiness, energy, balance, heat, fire, enthusiasm, flamboyance, playfulness, aggression, arrogance, gaudiness, over-emotion, warning, danger, autumn, desire, Sagittarius, and September. Orange has less intensity or aggression than red and is calmed by the cheerfulness of yellow.

YELLOW: Yellow echoes the dual nature of red. Though yellow evokes feelings of happiness, when we are confronted with too much yellow we become annoyed or angered. Yellow typically symbolizes sunlight, joy, happiness, earth, optimism, intelligence, idealism, wealth (gold), summer, hope, air, liberalism, cowardice, illness (quarantine), fear, hazards, dishonesty, avarice, weakness, greed, decay or aging, femininity, gladness, sociability, friendship, Gemini, Taurus, Leo, April, deceit, and hazard signs.

GREEN: Green symbolizes great intelligence, nature, spring, fertility, youth, environment, wealth, money (US), good luck, vigor, generosity, go, grass, aggression, coldness, jealousy, disgrace (China), illness, greed, Marijuana and drug culture,corruption (North Africa), life eternal, air, earth (classical element), sincerity, Cancer, renewal, natural abundance, growth, health, August, balance, harmony, stability, calming, creative intelligence, Islam, and the ordinary.

BLUE: Blue can symbolize seas, men, productive, interior, skies, peace, unity, harmony, tranquility, calmness, trust, coolness, confidence, conservatism, water, ice, loyalty, dependability, technology, winter, depression, coldness, idealism, air, wisdom, royalty, nobility, Earth (planet), Virgo, Pisces and Aquarius, strength, steadfastness, light, friendliness, peace, truthfulness, and love.

INDIGO: Indigo symbolizes spirituality and intuition.

VIOLET: Violet symbolizes magic.

PURPLE: Purple can symbolize nobility, envy, sensuality, spirituality, creativity, wealth, royalty, nostalgia, ceremony, mystery, wisdom, enlightenment, arrogance, flamboyance, gaudiness, exaggeration, profanity, bisexuality, sexuality confusion, pride, Scorpio, May, November, riches, romanticism, delicacy, and penance.

MAGENTA: Magenta symbolized artistic creativity or anti-racism.

ROSE: Rose symbolizes optimism or romantic love.

PINK: Pink is a sister color of red, but they are very different in terms of symbolism. It is a tranquilizing color. For this reason in many prisons the cells of the most dangerous residents have been painted pink. It symbolizes spring, gratitude, appreciation, admiration, sympathy, socialism, femininity , health, love, romance, June, marriage, joy, flirtatiousness, innocence and child-like features

BROWN: Brown is the color of dirt, giving it an earthy, environmental quality which is popularly coupled with green. Shades of brown represent skin tones and produce a comforting feeling. Brown symbolizes calm, boldness, depth, natural organisms, nature, richness, rusticism, stability, tradition, anachronism, fascism, Nazism, boorishness, dirt, feces, dullness, filth, heaviness, poverty, roughness, earth (classical element), October, Capricorn, Scorpio, and down-to-earth. Brown can stimulate the appetite, wholesomeness, steadfastness, simplicity, friendliness, and dependability.

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Well, this was a very educational post. A bitch felt like she was in school researching and reading all this shit. I don’t like it, lol. Well that’s all for now.

Killaaaa™

Sayyyy!

I HATE all men. All of em. Don’t be looking for no loop hole dickheads. Hey you! Look between your legs… you got a penis? Yeahhh, I’m talking about you then, bitch!

Matter of fact, I don’t even like none of y’all right now. Like the entire human race. Foreal though.

PAUSE. I’m so dead, London just hit me up and asked me to shout her out. SHOUTS TO YOU LONDON! I’m her biggest fan by the way. Blaoww, ho!

It’s been a lot of shit going on that’s been pissing me off man. I don’t even know where to start though. I’m just sick and tired of everyone, foreal shit though. I mean, shit. If you talked to me today, you probably didn’t even realize that I was mad. I’m trying not to act out as an angry bitch. But I’m gonna let this shit out right here and this blog post and in Irma’s Y! box.

 

Irma: Whatchu blogging 
          A*: how I hate human beings.
Irma: -highfive, as do I

 

The only person that can relate me right now is Irma. No matter what happens man, she’s always there and I’m always there for her. I’m a venting bitch sometimes, and she listens to me ramble. I appreciate it, too.

Err’body else dipped off anyway. So fuck that shit.

I honestly feel like beating the shit out of somebody. Like, I wanna go outside right and randomly bust them in they shit man. I don’t even give a fuck if I lose, which I won’t, but still. I’ve got way too much pent up anger and frustration. I bet I’d go overboard if I got physical right now.

Like foreal. Why the fuck do people have to be so fucking retarded? Why do people always do stupid shit and then think it’s okay to discuss it like that shit cool? Bottom line, I don’t care about nobody’s lil life problems. I don’t wanna hear about you and your bitch, you and your nigga. Nigga, I got real life problems to deal with to be worried about some petty shit like someone else’s life. If I aint give birth to you, consider yourself irrelevant right now. Niggas aint paying me to listen to the bullshit they say anyway, shit. I should start charging these dickwads like Ms. Cleo and shit, $2.99 a minute mother fucker.

I thought that after I finish posting all that shit above I’d feel better. I just feel so fucking tense. This Jackie Boyz song is kind of soothing to me though.

But fuck this shit. I done cut people, but it’s time for final cuts. And left is two of my best niggas. Like I said, I aint naming no names. You know where you stand.

Love it or hate it, either way it’s fuck you til the day I die.

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They be like, “Ay, who your best friend is guhlll?”
-“Shit you know, that nigga J. Will, dog.”

 

HOLLA AT A BAD BITCH WHEN YOU SEE ONE.

Killaaaa™

 

one hundred

Earlier today:

I'm having a pretty good day today. I'm feeling pretty happy and stress free, at least for now. I'm enjoying it while it lasts.

I really don't have shit to blog about.

My life consist of three things: Tay, Family and Josh. Without those three, there's no point in breathing. I'd give my last breath for any of them, without any second thoughts.

Josh and I were discussing our relationship last night. We went over how its grown, how we started this all the way to now. Everything we did, all the steps we took to get to where we are now man, it was done with pure perfection.

I remember when we looked up the definition of love in the bible. I remember reading it and thinking to myself that was what I wanted and I wasn't going to settle for anything less. We must have both been thinking the same thing because we decided as one to base our relationship off of it. Man, I've got to say that was one of the best decisions we've made because our relationship as blossomed and matured into something amazing.

I am totally and without a doubt in love with him.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Aww, I'm such a damn caker. Check that shit out. That's some shit that was on my mind earlier today and shit. I'm committed to this blog shit, real talk homes. LOL, I probably sounded like a real geek, but it doesn't even matter foreal.

Anywho, it's too bad that I didn't stay stress free all day. I'm always blowing up about something. Dang. I hate that my temper is so short sometimes. I need to get that shit under wraps FOREAL. When I blow up I be wanting to break shit. Like, all kinds of shit. Name it, I'll trash your shit if I'm mad. I don't even want to discuss it anymore.

-Stretches- FUCK! My back is killing me. Man I done stressed myself out and made my back start hurting. I have a shitty ass body dog. Shitty ass health, the whole nine. BUT, I'm still here so. -Does the bird walk- I'm about to pop about 2 advil before I go to bed. I should be straight in the morning. You know what though, I would LOVE to go to the chiropractor. That shit always feels so damn good.

I was thinking that maybe I need a new career and all. I'm just not happy with my job anymore. Or am I? Bloody hell, I'm so fucking confused man.

I'm about to listen to music though and play uh Freecell. Don't judge me either. Freecell is fun. You probably just don't know how to play.

Killaaaa™

I had an epiphany this morning. Sometimes I just think about everything in my life or just shit that happened last night. In this case, I'm reflecting on the two real conversations I had last night: one with Josh and the other with Narada.

I hear it all the time from Irma. "Ash you're too damn nice," "You're nicer than me Ash" etc. And I realize that I am. I'm always trying to care about someone when I shouldn't. I'm always trying to make others people happy, when I shouldn't give a damn. I'm trying to make the next nigga feel happy, I'm trying to give the next nigga the benefit of the doubt when he or she fucks up when in actuality I shouldn't be. That nigga and that bitch don't give a damn about me, not foreal. A nigga may sit in your face, smile at you all day, say this and that all because he thinks he wants something. Key word, THINKS. That nigga don't want shit. Not foreal.

Man, Narada man is a cool nigga foreal. Usually when him and I converse its usually jokes and shit, but that nigga can really drop some real shit, real spit. Its crazy cause I never would've thought we would've had a real ass discussion about shit. He basically brought out this I don't give a fuck about nobody shit in me. It may not be the nicest thing, but its some shit I needed. Basically he was explaining to me why he don't care about the next bitch. The bitch don't do shit for him, literally. The bitch don't pay a bill nor does she take care of him. So shit, care about the bitch for what? NOT SHIT. Real fucking spit though. Like I said, it may not be nice or polite, but that's the reality of it.

Niggas and bitches alike walk around acting I owe them something. Prancing around, banging up their keyboards acting like I'm supposed to be on their dick, like I'm supposed to be their friend, like I need to talk to them everyday. I don't. What for? I'm only here to please one man only, and that's real. I don't even fuck with the majority of you niggas, cause I don't even like y’all.

All my real niggas know who they are and where they stand. I don't even have to say their names. So you phony niggas, don't look for your name is my shit. If you're looking for recognition in my shit, you already know you aint in on my shit. I don't know why you would give a fuck anyway.

Next.

Man, everytime I talk to Josh about and issue or something that raises my eye brow and I can always count on him to steer me the right way. Man, I don’t know, but that man has a gift foreal. I’m so thankful and grateful for that dude. But that’s another topic for another time.

Last night, after sharing a few things with him last night about past situations that nigga went in and went hard. I love when he gets like that by the way. But yeah man, he basically was like fuck these niggas too. Niggas is some haters on some real shit and acting like they so mighty. Niggas are grimey and don’t give a fuck about shit. Not even me, not themselves. Niggas can’t even be themselves anymore. LOL, niggas is mascots. But I aint even gonna get into that shit. I’m starting to feel how Josh feels about discussing other niggas.

 

“Niggas be bitch niggas though man. Like me, I don’t even like talkin about another nigga for too long unless they done pissed me off. I’m really uncomfortable discussing niggas for too long.”

-J. WIll

 

Well put baby. When you allow yourself to see what’s real and not what you want to be there, shit is like all clear to you. I was always stuck on what other people did to me, I couldn’t even see the shit these mother fuckers were doing right in front of my face. To be honest, the shit makes me sick to my stomach.

Man I’m not perfect nor am I pretending to be. It’s just shit about myself, my attitude and my life that I need to change and I see myself making these changes as soon as possible after I slept on shit from last night. I can not and I will not sit up here and pretend like I have never judged anyone, but man fuck it. I can’t judge nobody. Who the fuck am I to judge anyone anyway? I’m not God. But you know what I can do, I can read between the lines nigga.

I’m always watching. I’m always listening. I’m always noticing how you move nigga. I’ve always been doing that. I was just not analyzing as I should. It’s crazy though, cause I’m always analyzing, always. But now, now I done sat back and analyzed some shit, replayed this shit over and over in my mind. Niggas is sorry as fuck. Niggas aint happy foreal. Niggas hide behind what they have, boast about how much they got, what they gonna do and how the next nigga hating on them, constantly preaching, “Get like me nigga.” Sounds like a nigga that aint really happy to me, dog. Hiding behind these things, saying all these things don’t make it better. It only hurts you more cause you masking behind something that’s not you. And that’s real, on some Dr. Phil shit, my nigga.

I’m gonna say this though: real niggas don’t even have to stunt and even if a real nigga is stunting, believe me sweetie, he’s not trying to. Real niggas don’t talk shit, real niggas don’t give a fuck about no bitch or no nigga. A real nigga is all about moving forward and taking care of his. Real niggas don’t bring other niggas down. Remember that.

 

'”I don’t hate on no nigga man. I’m kinda like, do whatever you wanna do nigga. Get ya money, fuck ya bitches. Just leave me and mine alone.”

-J. WIll

Bruh if that aint some of the realest shit, I don’t know what is. It’s too bad y’all will never even get to know Josh. Not only does he NOT want to get know you, but I aint letting y’all get close to my baby. Incase you didn’t realize, I got my quotes are all from Josh. He’s the realest nigga I know.

But shit, I think I’m done. Catch a bitch on the flip though. I’ll holla.

 

Killaaaa™

!@#$%^&*

Currently playing: Trey Songz|Anticipaion Mixtape
Yes, again! Did I mention that I love Trey Songz? I love you Trey <3

Tonight has been so eventful. I’ve hated most of it.

Josh and I got into it over something stupid, of course. I don’t think we’ll ever get into a real fight about anything serious. I know for sure we could never get mad and disrespect one another. He knows I’ll cut his balls off and feed them to him. <3

Secondly, one of my closest friends is going through it. It’s not like me to put other people’s business out like that, but I’m not happy about her situation. I’ll fuck someone up. I DON’T LIKE WHEN PEOPLE FUCK WITH MY FRIENDS. I don’t care who you are, how big you are, how much you weigh, none of that shit. I’ll fight you and I’ll fight you like we on the same level.

Besides that, I know things will end up just fine. They always do when I’m involved. I love making my friends happy. That’s what I do and shit. =]

But yeah. School was cancelled today. It’s been raining for like 2 weeks straight here and shit. Rained so much it flooded. I-285 and I-20 are STILL closed and shit. School will be reopening tomorrow for DeKalb County Schools. I  guess that means I’ll be at work tomorrow. Yey! NOT!

LOL, so yeah. I’m blogging and on Y! talking to my baby. We’re so lame for being on yahoo and blogging at the same time. I guess when you really love someone you wanna spend as much time with them as possible. Man, that just made me smile on some real shit.

ROFLLLLLLLLL, Josh went hard. –Blog ended-

 

Killaaaa™

Bubbie

LOL, okay this is kind of random to most of yall but I had to share this with yall. I don’t know if you watch Cartoon Network or not, but there is a show on there called “The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack” and airs Thurdays. Love the show by the way. So yeah, here’s a picture first.

You see the blue whale in the picture? That’s Bubbie, the little blue dude is Captain K'nuckles and the kid is Flapjack of course. Anyway, so Taylor decided to call me Bubbie one day. –Insert straight face here-

 

DOES ANYONE SEE THAT HUGE BLUE WHALE? :cry2:

So she runs around the house yelling Bubbie, calls me Bubbie in public the whole works. Josh of course thinks it’s hilarious. I tell Irma about it, she dies cause she calls Kris Bubbie.

Check this out though, these two niggas live inside Bubbie’s mouth.  WTF Tay, thank you. =[

 

Look at this picture of Bubbie. –Cries-

↓

Killaaaa™

Mmmyeah! [/Trey Songz]

What it dew. –Rubs eyes- It’s like 4 am.

–Looks over at my recent posts- Damn, my nigga. I’ve taken like a 3 month hiatus and shit like that. It doesn’t even matter though.

Josh and I were talking last night and decided we’d revisit this blog shit and do it again. I mean, we miss this shit a little since it was fun to read each other’s shit and whatnot. Plus, Window’s Live Writer is the shit though.

What to blog about?

Erm, we talked about some real shit last night though. LOL, we’ve been doin this shit for a long time though man. I can basically read Josh’s mind now. <3 That shit so crucial. He couldn’t believe that I could actually read his mind based on how he answered certain questions or reacted to certain comments and whatnot. Yeahhh nigga, I know your ass, as I should, shit.

But shitttttt. I’ve been killing these uh, two Trey Songz CDs and shit like that. That Anticipation mixtape and Ready album. I love that nigga shit though. I’m sure all my friends and everyone who knows me its about tired of Trey Songz already, but I don’t even currrr.

“Twitter me a picture lemme see that okayyyyy.”

So yeah, I went and got a new tattoo and shit. =] Shit goes hard. I would post a picture of it, but it’s kind of in a lowkey private area. Maybe I could find a way to take it later. Anyway, I got this bad lil tiger and what not.

“You tiger now too, baby.”

Holla at a bad bitch when you see one! You already know how we does it and shit, my nigga. Now me and Josh match for life and shit. Sooooongzzzz! [/Trey Songz]

Anywayyyyy though. Shouts out to the team. =/ Well Irma that is. Me and Irma done got extraaaaa cool these past couple of months. Shouts to Rob and shit like that. I aint got no groupies nigga. You know I don’t give a fuck about none of these niggas, dawg. The “team” still kinda separate right now and shit, but we all good and whatnot. Shit gonna get back, believe that.

But check it, that’s it for right now. I’m about to call J.Will so I can go back to sleep. A bitch feeling like a zombie right now. Damn this bright ass computer screen and shit.

I’ll holla though.

Killaaaa™

$$$

I got money to blowwwww.

 

 

Killaaaa™