FML

so, its 3 pm, school is out, and me, Missy, Dorita, and Eden are going our separate ways. its Friday and I won't see them for the weekend [well maybe Missy] so we're saying our good-byes.

Me: bye yall
all: bye girl
Me: yall have a good weekend, see you guys monday
Dorita: no girl, YOU have good weekend.
Missy & Eden: -laughing-
Me: what chu mean?
Dorita: you been quiet these past couple of days.
Me: oh
Dorita: what's wrong? you need some dick?
Me: [insert shocked face here] -walks away-

fuck my life.

fucking a

last Friday...

because i know you, DeShawn Tyier Miller, read my blog frequently i'll leave this for you to read.

1. YES you should give up.
2. you know exactly why i hate you.
3. stop "praying" for me and wasting your god damn breath.
4. lastly, you are NOT a man. you are merely a boy.

that is all.

skeeeeeeeeeeeet

me and Josh do it nastyyy like this.

we fuck in style with our sneakers on and err'thang.

for Nina :">

hotdog

man, i didn't even realize the date until i drove by the cemetery. in a couple of days it'll be the triplet's birthday [March 19th to be exact] and they would've been 5 years old. every so often i think about how things would've been with them here with us, the family. mason, mackel, mackenzie and taylor all together playing-the two boys together and the two girls together.

its crazy because a week or so before their passing, i lost my great aunt. man my mom looks so much like her. i didn't even go to neither her wake or to her funeral/going home memorial because it scared me to see her dead. it would've been like seeing my mom. =/ the end.

anyway, i'm going to have to go by the store this weekend to get them a gift for their graves. i wonder how my cousin is going to take it. i've been talking to her off and on this week, and she's been pretty cheerful, which is good. i know she's going to need us all next week though.

i hate talking about death. even thinking about it. i know that its inevitable and we all must die per se, but idk.

my mom is mad at me. i haven't really being taking any of my medications. and for how long? beats me. i'm tired of taking pills and injecting myself multiple times a day. if everything happens for a reason, and if our lives are already predestined, why bother? if i'm going to die, then i'm going to die.

i'm not really religious or anything, but i do believe there is a "higher power" or whatever. sometimes i wonder why things happen they way they do, or why do certain things happen to me. i usually try to ignore it or not think about it. i don't want to be upset with God, and being as we haven't spoken in a while, i just...idk. i just feel like He stopped listening.

go ahead and tell me i'm going to hell now. i don't give a fuck.

yeah.

can a nigga get a table dance

DEATHHHHHHHHHHHHH x infinity

wtf though

you know what though, i'm sick of these mother fuckers calling me fake and shit. like wtf, what i look like stealing someone's pictures and shit? shit is starting to piss me off. i'm not knocking myself or anything, but damn i look like a normal fucking bitch. they act like i'm uploading some 5'11, skinny, light skinned, brazilian model bitch's pictures. god damn.

but yeah, i just wanted to get that off my chest.

besides that, today was alright i guess. i suspended one of my students. i tell you, these lil boys be gettin out of hand. and like them being "emotionally" special is not a good fucking excuse. a man, boy, or whatever the fuck, should always respect a woman and her body. i was disgusted and wanted to go off, but i had to remember that he was a student. so, i wrote him up and he was suspended. i don't really care to elaborate on the situation or quote was said, just know that shit wasn't boo.

the weather here in Atlanta has been nuts. it like snowed last weekend and shit, and we had like two cold days this week and the rest of the week it's been like 70 degrees out. crazy, huh? yeah tell me about it. but i'm enjoying the sunny days and shit, i'm just dreading the summer heat that'll be coming soon. ugh, i hate being hot.

my mom bought a lot of make up. i don't know what the hell is going on, but i'm going to find out. she went to this party tonight and the attire was cosmopolitan. wtf, let me find out. i helped her pick her outfit out and gave her some make up tips and what not. i'm waiting up at her house for her ass like i'm the mama. she better be on her best behavior too. cause i would hate to bust a nigga up over my moms, and that's real.

my baby daddy talking about he needs to talk to me. apparently he wants closure. =/ so i'm avoiding him and the situation. i don't feel like talking. to be honest, there isn't really much we can talk about...except for Taylor.

me and his other baby mama, Brandi, been writing each other back and forth on myspace these past couple of days. i'm glad that we were able to move forward from our "beef" if that's what you want to call it. we even made plans to go to the nail salon together when it's time for me to go back. so, we'll be going sometime next week. i'll have an update on that for yall next week.

i've made some friends at the work place. Darita, Missy and Eden. we all go out for breakfast and lunch together and talk about crazy shit. me and Missy connect on a lot of things such as music and shit, which is probably because she's 24 and closer to my age the Eden and Darita. but man, me and Darita talk about the craziest shit together. we're both going to do a totally body cleanse and detox together next week. i'm kinda scared though, cause i don't wanna be like shitting on myself and shit. =/ i'm freakishly scared of laxatives. i did this one detox for like a couple of days and swear i lost like 18 lbs by just pooping, LMAO. all jokes aside.

*today Darita and i were talking about vitamin supplements and shit. she gave me some good tips for vitamins to take for hair and stuff like that. then she told me about flaxseed oil. boy oh boy, she said to me, "girl, this is supposed to help keep your vagina moist." i'm tryna play like i dont wanna hear it all like, "DARITA! i am 21, i don't wanna hear that!" you know what she said to me? "hunny, you have a baby, you can hear this shit!" man she got me right there, cause i am grown with a child so i'm gain for any subject in a conversation. i told Josh about the supplement and he died. of course, i don't need it but we both decided that i should try to see if it increases the...flow. hahahaha, whew.

Darita looks so young man, i swear like she's 24 or something like that. she told me, "girl, i'm damn near 40!" she is 38 years old. she was telling me this story about how she meet this guy and he asked how old she was and when she told him 38 he was like, "damn you must bust a nut everyday!" DEATH! i wonder if that shit really keeps you looking young, cause if that's the case Josh is making me bust multiple times a day. the end. i informed him and he has no problem with that.

LOL, i remember this one time she came into work all tired and shit. i'm like, "damn, you aight?" she answers, "yeah i'm alright. Darrin gave me some good lovin' that's all, and now i'm so damn tired." DEAD x 340382. Josh said that's going to be in August, holler.

but yeah, i guess i'll finish this later cause baby called.

wednesday

its 9:13 at night and the house is so quiet.

Taylor is sleeping, Prada is in his dog bed laid out and i'm here laying in the dark. i'm logged on to Y! on my sidekick not talking to anyone, listening to Drake flow through my headphones.

i feel like shit. the other night i slipped and fell on the ice outside my car. i tried to save myself from scratching up my face and ended up scraping the palm of my left hand, scraping left knee, and slamming down on my left elbow. my palm still feels like death, like its on fire. i managed to scrap off thick piece of skin, which i later ripped off cause the hanging skin was annoying me. my knee hurts so god damn bad, and my elbow won't stop hurting either. sucks.

the past couple of nights, well the last two nights really, i've been taking ambien cr as a sleep aide. shit is amazing, minus the fact that it works instantly. last night i was up talking to Josh laughing my ass off, and right before you know it i was out like a light. best comatized sleep i've had in ages. only problem is, is that i didn't have 8 hours to dedicate for sleep so this morning i looked and felt like a zombie.

me and Tay went to Fuji Yu Hibachi tonight. shit was amazing. i ordered the steak and shrimp and Taylor got the kid's shrimp. $1 sushi is tomorrow night, so i'll probably hit them up tomorrow for those california rolls dawg. yummmm.

after dinner i planned on taking her to this carnival they had out in the parking lot of Northlake Mall, but noooooo. that mother fucker don't even open til tomorrow. Tay and i were both hella bummed out. but we'll probably slide through during the weekend.

anyway, i went to the mall and got me and Tay some creative recreations. maybe its time that we stop matching, but i'm in love with the fact that we match. we already look alike, why not? right? yeah. after that we went to my sandal store and seen the cutest shoes for this summer. i love my bestfriend, Telly, so much that i called to confirm her shoe size and even got her some. i'm the bestest bestfriend ever. yeah i know.

Josh and i are constantly planning things for the summer and our future together. he basically blamed me for being the reason why he doesn't want to re-enlist in December. lmao, "i was going to re-enlist then YOU came along. said you'd give me a family and be my wife." -smiles-

i make his world go 'round. and me makes mine move in slow motion. i swear i have so much built up anger from years and years back, but when i'm talking to him nothing even matters. and when we we're not talking everything gets chaotic again. this is usually when i start thinking too much about things that shouldn't matter. the rest is downhill from there. the moral of the story is, i need him to be happy.

don't get me wrong, Taylor makes me more than happy. its a different form of happiness though. she makes smile and makes me laugh all the time, but when she's asleep or when she's not around that's when i cry about everything wrong.

ehh.

enough about that, Josh treats me so good. so good that sometime i'm sure how to react to things he says or does. i've honestly never had someone who genuinely wanted to do right by me or do anything for me with good intentions. there is always a catch. plus those other dudes i used to fuck with just weren't shit. and looking back on my past relationships i don't know how or why i put up with more than half the shit i put up with. i must be a fool.

"life is like a photograph. we develop from our negatives."

if that's true, who or what am i? sometimes i'm not sure. the end on that topic, i don't feel like being depressed.

you know what though, i really appreciate my friends. especially Telly and Mimi. Telly always makes me see the realer things in any situation. even if it might hurt my feelings, she is always real with me. since we've [Telly and i] been friends, i see myself changing and always in a positive direction. that bitch always telling me i need a mentor, but she's been it for 2+ years now. and Mimi, oh Mimi. she's my soulmate lol. no, but we're so much alike when it comes to numerous things and she's always there for me when i need to vent about stupid shit. if no one else can make me smile or laugh hysterically, she makes it happen captain. i'm so coming to Richmond to bump coochies with you my asian faced boo <3. haha, insider. please don't kill me Josh.

umm, the end.

thirty-eight

so it's been a while since my last post, and since my last post was nothing more than just some song lyrics, you deserve an update.

two days ago, February 28th, was my beloved baby's 22nd birthday. so you can wish him a happy belated if you'd like.

speaking of which, him and i have been spending a lot of time together. but then again when are we not spending our time together? right. but like i was saying though, these past couple of days, well the past two days, him and i have spent hours upon hours on the phone. -smiles- he basically spent his birthday with me, which to me was really cute. i was expecting him to go out, but he told me he doesn't really think birthdays are a big deal. so he stayed in and we talked on the phone all day. and yesterday, we spent about a total of 14-15+ hours on the phone. man, we're so gay, right? wrong.

you would think that i would actually get tired of talking to him all that time, but nah. i love talking to him. now that i think about it, and font it, i kinda feel like i'm in high school again or some shit. cause you know when you were in high school and you had a boyfriend, yall used to talk on the phone all night and then turn right back around and see each other at school the next day, right? remember that shit though? hell yeah, that was the shit. but man, we're like twenty-one and twenty-two years old doing this shit. like is that normal?

by the way, if you said no fuck you.

many of subjects came up in our conversations on the phone. like my friends. for some reason, most of these females that claimed to me my friend or even the ones that i said were my friends, he's never really liked them. you know, with the exception of Telly and Mimi.

[attn: this does not mean, that i brought up all you guys. so no need to go on a "i hate Josh streak." relax. but ay, the ones which he doesn't like, they pretty much know already.]

it's crazy because even the females that i would talk to about Josh and our relationship, they even started to get on my nerves. like, i can't stand when people only come to me to talk to me about their problems. like no one else has problems in the world or some shit. it's just like, when i befriend someone, they're all cool at first and we equally have things to talk about, but then the relationship changes. now i'm stuck playing Dr. Phil all the time, and it's annoying. don't get me wrong, i'm not saying i absolutely don't want to hear about my friend's problems or anything, but all the time is a bit much. i don't mind helping my friends through things, or giving them advice about shit...from time to time. but when it becomes an everyday thing, that's when i start signing in yahoo invisible to everyone or putting them on permanently offline.

that's what this here blogging shit is for. have a problem, blog it and let whoever wants to hear about it read it and comment it. the end.

i actually had one female call Josh a broke/cheap nigga. mistake number one: she didn't know him from Adam and Eve. only from what i say about him when we talked about our boyfriends or when she asked how we were doing. mistake number two: she spoke to him.* mistake number three: she called him a broke/cheap nigga.

*everyone i talk to does not have to meet my boyfriend, nor do they have to talk to him. i barely trust anyone with a vagina anyway, because bitches are shady. it's not that i do not trust Josh as a man, because i do, but i would hate to have to retort to violence a cut a bitch. with this being said, don't mess with my man bitch. okay? okay.

another incident: i had this one homegirl tell me that Josh and i weren't going to last because him and I are too much alike. because "opposites attract." first of all, we're not god damn magnets, we're mother fucking human beings. opposites or not, him and i attract. the end, ho.

speaking of being alike, we are so much alike. i mean it's to the point where it's scary even. we even laugh alike now. lol, some of you, well probably most of you would be so sickened by this. but oh well, "if you get on that horse, you gotta ride it." -does the rodeo-

that was random.

ay baby, remember this?
"Brian Nichols is my cousin."
"that's your cousin foreal?"
"yup."
"man that nigga crazy!"
-silence-
"hell nawl that aint my MUH'FUCKIN cousin."

lol, i had Josh rolling all weekend man. he thinks i talk like a nigga. i been trying tell him that i'm g'd up from the feet up shawty. nah, but he still calls me a white girl. -blushes- he's the only one allowed to do so.

random thought...

normally, i wouldn't do a long distance relationship because it's hard not being around the person you love, but he's worth ever single second of it. don't ask me why, because i can't really put a finger on it. he's just the best man, hands down. just the best. its like i'm him and i are so perfect together, and it's so unexplainable. i don't know, i just know i'd do anything to keep him. plus, he already knows i'm not going anywhere anyway. that's my baby right there.

he brought up re-enlisting again, of course the conversation didn't last long, but yeah. i'm going to make him talk about it in August when he comes to visit me in Atlanta for twenty odd days or so. -sigh- man, i can't wait to see him. i swear, everything is going to be so perfect with him. both of us are so pumped. i already feel like the luckiest woman alive, imagine how i'll feel in August. total awesomeness.

oh yeah, we'll be 2 months on Friday. -smiles- hell fucking yeah shawty. damn though, i've meet this guy the day after my birthday and we're already open like this? it seems like i've known him forever though.

in other news, it snowed here in Atlanta. excited much? hell naw. it doesn't snow here in the derrty derrty and we're not used to driving in these conditions. so a real nigga like myself is scared shitless to drive. however i did go out yesterday in that shit to get some food. -rubs belly-

what else? school/work was cancelled today. woohoo! i got to sleep in and shit. tay is home with me though, sucks. her and these god damn dogs are driving me insane. oh and my cold is gettin worse. i blame Josh though. he got sick, then i got sick. go figure. other than that, i'm chillin mayne.

oh yeah, i love you baby. ended.