-pours a glass of smirnoff vodka & pineapple juice-
so i just got out the shower, and i did some thinking. i almost forgot that i went and bought this bottle saturday night. anyone who knows me, knows i like to get my sippy sip on & what not. shit, i suppose it's a release.
-pause-
i take that back, because i just sounded like i was dependent on alcohol. and i aint no alcoholic. ya feel me?
anyway, like i was saying. i'm about to drink a lil bit tonight, despite what anyone thinks. just for the mere fact that there is alot on my mind. yeah, i caught myself.
random brain fart:
Josh called me saturday. helllll yeah, lol. nigga had me blushing and shit on the phone. <3
him : "ay, i love you."
me: "i love you too."
him: "i love you baby"
me: -giggles- "i love you too."
he's so funny, trying to talk shit. talking about he aint puttin them christmas lights up for the kids. lol, he already knows the deal. and guess what though. them lights up too. deathhhh.
back to what i started, i've been thinking alot. maybe i feel all emo because i've been listening to Paramore for like 3 hours straight. fucking love them. i dunno man, it's like everything from last week is really coming down on me. especially with my best friend and shit and what's been going on with her. and thennn, the news i got from my endocrine doctor on friday. nothing is going right man, for anyone close to me.
i wish there was something i could do to make everyone happy. i wish there was a magic lamp i could just rub with a magic genie who would grant me 3 wishes. there is so much i wish for. i wish i were a child again, that way i would have no worries. i wish i didn't cry so much, because it makes me feel like a bitch. but most of all, i wish i didn't have to wish for anything. there is nothing more i want in the world then to see my daughter grow up happy and for my friends and family to live good. real shit. but damn, i can't help but think that somehow, my life is slowly being taken away from me piece by piece with every doctor visit.
*this chest pain is killing me, like on some real. but like Telly, i suck that shit up cause i'ma G. i'm not afraid of dying anymore, i'm just afraid of what will happen when i die. like that's after death & shit. but most of all, i'm afraid to be without Taylor. on some real shit homes. but i'm good as long as i have her & we have each other.
you know what else i wish for? i wish i could just have Josh here with me. to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. lol, that's some sappy ass shit. but you know, for some reason if he were to tell me everything was going to be okay, i'd believe him. and i wish my bestfriend would smile and not hurt so bad. that shit really hurts me man.
well i finished my cup, so i guess i'm out.
